Let your attractions unlock hidden doors to self-discovery
As a life coach who has worked with hundreds of clients over the years, I’ve found that our attractions and dating preferences reveal profound truths about who we are. The types of people we feel drawn to act as mirrors, reflecting core aspects of our personalities, values, and unmet needs back to us.
In my one-on-one sessions, we explore clients’ relationship histories and patterns to unearth insights about their inner selves. Time and again, this process leads to self-discovery and personal growth — by understanding who and what attracts you, you can better know your authentic self.
The journey starts with self-reflection. What recurring traits do your crushes and partners share? What underlies these magnetic pulls? Leaning into this self-inquiry can enhance self-awareness in relationships and life.
Craving Youthfulness and Playfulness
Linda, a 45-year-old client of mine, exclusively pursued men 10 to 15 years her junior. In probing this pattern during our coaching, she discovered a longing to reclaim the wonder and lightheartedness of her youth.
Having trudged through a stressful career and divorce, Linda yearned to rediscover her creative spirit and ability to live in the moment. Her attraction to youthful, spirited men represented an unconscious attempt to vicariously re-experience the freedom of early adulthood.
With this breakthrough, Linda gained clarity for reinventing her life in an authentically playful way aligned with her core self. She started taking recreational art classes, joined a recreational soccer team, and adopted a more easygoing, spontaneous mindset. Her dating life balanced out as she released the intense attachment to younger men that had been compensating for her lack of fulfillment.
Seeking Maturity and Stability
On the flip side, being drawn to older partners may signify a craving for maturity and stability in your life. My client, Robert, always pursued women at least ten years older, attracted to their “having it together” in realms like career, finances, and home ownership.
Through our work, he discovered his attraction stemmed from insecurities about being directionless and unreliable after a string of failed business ventures in his 20s. He yearned for paternal guidance and the stability he never received growing up with an absent father.
As Robert gained self-confidence and cultivated his own responsible adult identity, the age gap in his relationships organically narrowed. He grew more interested in mutually supportive partnerships with those in similar life stages.
Embracing Your Free Spirit
Gabriella exclusively felt sparks with nomadic creativity she dubbed “modern hippies.” Though outwardly a buttoned-up economics professor, she was drawn to these free spirits’ adventurousness, cultural interests, and Bohemian lifestyle she secretly longed for herself.
By reflecting on these attractions, Gabriella tapped into long-buried passions for painting, indie music, sustainability, and Eastern spirituality. She began integrating more of these interests into her life, allowing her innate free spirit to emerge. Dating someone who similarly valued originality, imagination, and living authentically fed her soul.
Attractions as Social Mirrors
Barry, one of my extroverted clients, was invariably attracted to social butterflies. In evaluating this pattern, he discovered his ongoing yet unmet craving for community and camaraderie. Earlier in life, Barry’s family moved frequently for his father’s job. He had to repeatedly rebuild his social circles, leaving him gripped by lingering fears of isolation.
Barry’s partners served as surrogates, weaving dense social networks he could be woven into. By directly addressing his sense of disconnect through joining new organizations, he became less dependent on romantic interests for a sense of belonging. He felt comfortable dating equally socially oriented partners without using them as social crutches.
Finding Calm in Strong Silent Types
Julia, a passionate but occasionally volatile artist, continually fell for stoic engineer and architect types attracted to their respectful quietude and emotional steadiness. She came to understand these taciturn men represented stability she lacked but desperately required to balance her intense personality.
By learning to self-soothe through spiritual practices like meditation, cultivating interests like gardening necessitating patience, and creating an artistic process with built-in space for reflection, Julia found inner calm. Her romantic choices expanded as she no longer exclusively sought partners to provide missing tranquility.
Recognizing Your Caregiving Nature
As a psychiatric nurse, Andrea’s deep empathy and nurturing qualities were assets professionally. However, in dating, she repeatedly attracted and cared for troubled, vulnerable men, which took an emotional toll.
Through our work, Andrea acknowledged her chronic self-sacrifice and undiscriminating caregiving represented underlying co-dependency issues. As she practiced establishing boundaries and asking for support when overwhelmed, she became more attuned to her needs. Dating more secure, stable men able to reciprocate nurturing was an outward sign of her inner growth.
Embracing Your Innate Extroversion
When Daniel first met with me, he was battling depression related to social isolation. However, I noticed that the few dates he described involved bubbly entertainers who filled silences and loved being center stage.
We uncovered that, at heart, Daniel was highly gregarious — the life of gatherings with his joking, storytelling, and friend-making. Attracted to these traits in others, Daniel realized he deeply missed expressing this core part of himself. As we brainstormed safe socializing pursuits amidst quarantines, Daniel rediscovered his outgoing spirit, uplifting his mood.
Attractions Spotlighting Unfulfilled Needs
As you traverse the journey of self-discovery both within and outside romantic partnerships, consider Who and what pulls you in like a magnet. Do your attractions shine light on inner potentials seeking actualization or unmet needs that, once fulfilled, would leave you feeling whole?
Honor these clues, and life will unfold with greater flow and meaning. Rather than randomly ricocheting between unsatisfying partners, you can hone in on connections that nourish rather than deplete you. My clients often discover having partnerships mirror their best selves accelerates their paths to self-actualization.
Final Thoughts
As we conclude our journey of exploring attraction and personality, remember that the types of people you’re drawn to provide windows into your inner world. Your attractions reveal so much about your authentic values, unmet needs, and who you dream of becoming at your best.
Stay curious about any patterns you notice in romantic interests. Keep asking yourself key reflection questions:
- What qualities am I most pulled towards and why?
- What voids might these traits fill, or what latent parts of myself could they activate?
- If I dated someone reflecting my highest self, what would that look like?
As you courageously explore these questions, don’t be surprised if you experience light bulb moments regarding hidden parts of self-seeking expression or shifts in dating priorities.
While self-knowledge takes time, embracing this process rewards you with greater self-awareness, evolved taste in partners, and relationships where you feel seen and valued as your best self.
When you feel aligned with your core values and grounded in self-care, you’ll attract partners mutually invested in growth and support. Rather than relying on others to complete you, you’ll join forces to uplift one another.
I wish you rich clarity as you uncover who you’re meant to be and who you’re meant to love. This lifetime exploration will surely bless you with meaning and connection